Resolving not to resolve

Last year at this time, I was typing up a list of New Years’ resolutions. That included doing yoga once a week, eating better, and not cutting. I think I only followed through with one of those. Not cutting.

This year when my sister asked if I had any resolutions, I laughed. I think my literal response was “hell no”.

I used to believe in the “new year, new me” bullshit. However, very few times did I follow through with those changes. Yes, in 2014 I started doing weights a lot more regularly and achieved a better mental state, but those don’t necessarily make me a new person. I’m very different from the person I was a year ago but thats because 365 days have passed. We all change a little bit every single day. It doesn’t happen overnight.

About two weeks before finals, I started to withdraw. I stopped eating lunch with my friends and instead ate in the newspaper room. I spent most of my time at school in silence. I stayed home on the weekends and avoided seeing people. My friends thought I was relapsing. That’s what I thought too at first, but after two weeks of being on break, I know that’s not what was happening.

I was unhappy, but not depressed. I didn’t like the life I was leading. I didn’t feel like myself and I certainly didn’t like who I was.

As a teenager, it’s pretty common to feel uncertain of who you are and where you belong. A mentor of mine confirmed that in a chat before break. She told me that there is nothing wrong with changing friend groups and sometimes thats what you have to do.

Sticking with the same group of friends for the rest of my life is not who I am. I need people of all ages and interests. I need people who share my dreams and who have their own dreams. I need to be around people that allow me to be the happiest version of myself. That’s what I realized over break. I can’t let people hold me back anymore.

This year I’m not making resolutions. I don’t want to define my year before I’ve had the chance to experience all 365 days. I’m resolving not to resolve this year. I’m not going to let who I’m around determine what face I wear. I’m going to wear one face, whichever that may be.


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