Last Thursday, I went and got my second tattoo that says “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul” from the poem Invictus by William Ernest Henley. It’s on my ribs which hurt like hell but was totally worth it for what it means to me.
A couple of weeks ago, my therapist and I had a very serious talk. She told me I’m at risk for developing Borderline Personality Disorder because of the environment I grew up in. Not that my parents weren’t amazing and loving but I wasn’t always in the best situations for a kid. My therapist and I refer to those situations as double binds, meaning that I was in situations with a lack of boundaries where I felt like I had to fix things but I couldn’t and will never be able to because they weren’t my problems to fix.
My therapist believed I was showing early signs of leaning towards Borderline Personality disorder or as we call it, borderline style personality disorder. The reason being was my relationships with other people. I often rely on people when I’m struggling to make feel better rather than my own strength. This fall, I began seeking out attention from boys to make feel better. I made a lot of mistakes in my love life to the point that I might have people talking about me for something I did. That is the worst feeling in the world and this tattoo couldn’t have come at a better time.
My therapist, bless her soul, told me my train is heading one way, but I can make it head the other way. I have to start making changes NOW though for that to work. I have been doing better and trying to support myself and keep myself above the water without much outside help. However, I’m still paying for mistakes I made when I was in a bad place last year. It sucks but I have to take responsibility for those things to get better.
My tattoo means that I am in control of my life. I decide where it goes and how happy I am. I decide to be healthy and to not give in to my natural tendencies towards mental illnesses. In a way, my tattoo is a new year’s resolution that will stay with me forever because “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”